I lost my parents to cancer within six months of each other, followed by my 19-year-old dog months later. As an only child, losing my immediate family in such a short time was devastating. This is where my journey with understanding resilience began.
I was completely devastated when my mom, Lori, passed away from esophageal cancer in December 2019. But when my dad, Greg, died six months later in July 2020 from prostate cancer, that’s when I felt like the true grieving began. I was grieving each of their deaths individually and the death of both of them together, as a family unit. When my 19-year-old Bichon Frise, Princess, died less than a year later, I truly felt I had hit rock bottom in a way I had never experienced.
She was genuinely one of the few things that got me through their deaths. Just like that, my entire immediate family… gone. The cries that came out of me some days were so guttural that I scared myself. It was a grief so profound I could never imagine a day when their absence wouldn’t consume me 24/7.
I remember sitting in my living room the morning my dad died, watching the sun rise through my patio doors. My dad died at 3:23 am, my mom at 3:27 am, six months earlier. Needless to say, I didn’t get back to sleep either time. I remember feeling so incredibly numb, but also feeling everything all at once. The emotions that still stay with me were the unrelenting fear, sadness, aloneness, and emptiness.
I still have those moments when I realize this wasn’t someone else’s life I was living. It was mine, and I have no parents. Not one. My sense of safety and comfort? Out the window. Sense of direction and stability? So very broken. The two people I would have turned to first in a tragedy like this were no longer existing in the physical world, and that was a terribly scary thing to face. While the morning itself was weirdly sunny, peaceful, and tranquil, there was this inner unease, heartache, and frankly a little panic I had never known before… and didn’t know what to do with.
At that point, I began to understand the true meaning of “moment by moment”, because that’s really what it was. Putting my life back together moment by moment, literally day by day. Taking what was in front of me, dealing with that, and then the next thing. And let me tell you, it was a process. One that’s still unfolding, like all things in life, even outside of loss. But I can confidently say that the first year and a half was the most Pivotal.
I truly feel as though experiencing a death is a rebirth, of sorts, for those of us still living.
We have to find our footing, learn how to function as our brain literally rewires itself, and navigate a “new normal” that was thrust upon us without our permission. Because that’s what loss does. It shows up, puts itself on our calendars, and there it is… forever with us.
Once I began to understand the permanence of their deaths–and after a lot of soul searching, self-help books, journaling, powerful podcasts, and a lot of walks in my favorite areas of my city–I rebuilt. I spent a lot of time alone, let me tell you. But truthfully? It was what I needed. I needed the silence, patience, and ability to hear my own thoughts and feel my feelings without distraction. If I’m being honest, I really enjoy my own company now, too. Another gift grief gave me.
Reconstructing my life also included a three-year-long probate process for their estate that was utterly soul-sucking. Learning the hard way how the legal and accounting systems worked, because there’s no “What To Do When Your Parents Die 101” in school. And, battling the loneliness that came with my parents’ absences. It was like my soul had been stripped of any color.
Slowly but surely, though, I picked up the brush and started painting again. Stroke by stroke. Looking back, some days it felt like an out-of-body experience. Even now, there are days when I can’t believe this is my reality. That the story I’m telling here is mine. That I’m that girl.
But I did find her again. Me, in a new form. Humbled, new scars, and some baggage in tow, and a piece is always missing. Also, a version that has seen immense growth. A version that has discovered a purpose that lights me up, a deeper understanding of the human experience, and someone who has now become a guide to fellow grievers around the world through coaching and hosting the Life With Grief Podcast.
Every single day, I’m inspired because I allowed myself to go there, be vulnerable, and be open to it. By allowing in creativity, joy, laughter, new experiences, and curiosity for what life after loss had in store for me, I can say with immense gratitude that I am a woman with unshakable resilience.
It was getting to know who I was now, what I wanted out of life, and what I envisioned for myself—then, taking aligned actions to make it my reality. That process was so empowering and tapped into a practice of resilience that was so expansive.
Keep yourself open and curious about life, even when it’s difficult. That’s where the magic and new growth can seep in and surprise us.
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