I found out both of my parents had terminal cancer one month apart.
In May 2015, I found out that both of my parents were diagnosed with terminal cancer. They had been divorced for 20 years, had no contact with one another during that time, and it was a complete coincidence.
I was a wide-eyed 24-year-old, and life was still fresh; I imagined a life full of potential adventures and experiences. Overnight, at the blink of an eye, my exciting future and picture-perfect life flipped upside down into a cycle of dying, despair, and uncertainty. It felt like all those exciting possibilities, all my ideas and plans, got thrown at the wall and exploded before my eyes.
It felt like nothing in my life really mattered anymore. Most of the things I was stressing about before, and the day-to-day bullshit, didn’t matter anymore. I let all inhibitions go. Maybe it was because I felt scared – of what life could be without them, and uncertain – they could die at any moment.
Only one thing mattered now.
My parents. And how I was going to be there for them.
My initial response was to freak out, hide from the world, scream at every person in sight, or crash my car into a ditch to see if this was real. But all of that would just make my situation worse, and eventually, the obvious crept up on me. My parents could die at any moment, and life is way shorter than I ever thought.
I spent as much time as I could with them, even simply watching jeopardy and eating pizza with my mum multiple times a week. But I also distracted myself with activities that made me forget reality, i.e., concerts, friends’ cottages, etc. I felt guilty for being at a concert or doing something that wasn’t directly taking care of them. But it was doing these small things for myself that actually helped me survive and be the woman I am today. The small things weren’t so small after all.
By 2020, both of my parents died of cancer. During the process and to this day, people are shocked by my story and how I managed to survive it to be who I am now, a business owner who somehow didn’t completely fall off the deep end.
During those gruesome 5 years, I went to therapy regularly. I had an amazing therapist named Susan Brandes. Susan saved my life.
I learned so much in those sessions, especially how to cope with interpersonal dynamics within the family when emotions and tensions were at their highest. Human behaviour changes when death is so close that you can taste it. Little did I know these sessions would help me deal with other situations later in life, too.
Sometimes I went to therapy multiple times a week to hear Susan repeat this:
Just because someone has a need doesn’t mean you have a responsibility.
In other words, how can I take care of those I love if I’m not taking care of myself?
When it felt like the whole world was turning on me, life kept throwing me shit after shit, testing me, and forcing me to give up, two things stuck with me:
Self-care and humour.
At a certain point, I had to take care of myself to find humour in the darkest places to survive.
It’s been over 5 years since the toughest time of my life, and life is very good because I try to live every day with this mantra:
I’m so lucky to have this opportunity to make the world a better place for those around me now and when I’m gone.
I want my life to have meaning; to feel like I’m making an impact and leaving behind something after I’m gone, even if it’s just good vibes wherever I go.
Some ways I do this are by complimenting strangers or by calling a friend who needs to talk and letting them talk as long as they need to, without looking at the clock.
Another exercise I started last year was to screenshot any positive message I receive on my phone and add it to a folder called “encouragement,” so whenever I’m feeling sad or lonely, I look at the screenshots to remind myself how much I am helping those around me.
The practice also inspires me to share thoughtful, loving messages that recognize people’s efforts or that acknowledge when I see or hear their struggles.
Even though time is precious, I try to have more patience because in the end, when we are on our deathbed, it’s the people, the loving conversations, those short but fleeting moments where we’re sitting on our mum’s bed watching jeopardy, and practically doing nothing, that will stick with us and others beyond our lifetime.
I cried a lot. I tried to let all the negativity out of my body so I could show up strong and positive for my parents. They didn’t need more pain, knowing they were making their child sad. This wasn’t a foolproof strategy, but it helped.
I talked to many mental health professionals. I practiced alternative forms of therapy like EMDR for trauma, microdosing mushrooms for depression, sound healing, and breathwork. I went to an intensive retreat in Costa Rica to learn more about myself and navigate this big, scary world alone, without my parents.
I joined a weekly online support group with other young people who lost a parent. Talking to others who understood exactly what I was going through was powerful.
I also started my business the year they got sick, which also helped me in the long term. After they died, it hit me; I cannot waste my time left here because it could end at any moment.
Working with brands that make me feel good and proud is part of my plan to make the world a better place. I can spread positive energy around the world beyond just myself. I love working with business owners who are helping people beyond just themselves, too.
Now, more than 5 years after their passing, I am spreading good, happy vibes as much as I can because I had to go through the darkness to appreciate the good. And now I appreciate it more than ever.
Just because someone has a need doesn’t mean you have a responsibility.
When you spread love and happiness, it comes back to you.
Being strong isn’t about faking a smile or hiding what you are going through; it’s about being vulnerable, sharing who you really are, and not caring what people think.
Do the work on yourself. Invest in your mental health as much as you can. Be comfortable sitting in your own company and your own thoughts and work through them.
Learn to love your own company. Laugh alone because then, no matter what happens, at least you will always have your beautiful self.
Live hard but love harder.
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