After 9 years of marriage and 3 1/2 years of separation, we gave up. We did not choose resilience, and, in fact, I am not sure that the word “resilient” even came to mind. I, very immaturely, started thinking “if you, then I”.
RESILIENCE: Contract vs. Covenant Love
Resilience (for me) is about carrying, living with, and moving forward one step at a time, in a manner that does not define you, however, transforms you into someone who lives each moment more deeply and more appreciatively. Becoming resilient and practicing resilience allows us the opportunity to move forward with grief that exists alongside joy, love, and laughter.
Becoming resilient requires a WILLINGNESS to practice SURRENDERING what does not serve us in each present moment.
I learned that the hard way.
I’ve never believed in divorce. And yet, I became someone who walked through it. I share this not from a place of judgment, but from a place of accountability. I was being led by only selfishness, immaturity, and an unwillingness to truly hear what I needed to hear. How strange and devastating it is to be part of the ‘death of a beautiful family.’ To be acting out in a manner that was not serving our two (God’s) incredible children and others as an example. Who in the world was I?
After the divorce, I went to see a counselor—too late, but still necessary. I shared with her, “I don’t believe in divorce. How did I end up here?”
She listened and then said something that stopped me cold:
“From what you’re describing, you and your husband were doing the same things over and over—harder, louder, more forcefully—believing something would change.”
‘That,’ she explained, is the definition of insanity. Repeating the same behavior over and over while expecting a different outcome.
Insanity… of course!
It was embarrassing to admit, but it was true. I had not been willing to ‘be the one’ to do things differently to ‘see/feel/achieve’ a different outcome, to save our family! What?!
I was stubborn. I wasn’t growing—I was digging in. I wasn’t mature–I was an adult in age, but a child in emotional and spiritual responsibility—in accountability.
That’s when I began to understand something. I had been living in contract thinking, not covenant living.
A contract says: If you do this, I’ll do that.
If the terms aren’t met, the agreement is broken.
Covenant is being as one: No matter what, we will walk through this–together–forever—in sickness and in health, good times and bad.
In marriage, the Covenant is first made with God, and then with one another. He is at the center. It is not based on performance, seasons, or convenience. It is anchored in grace, forgiveness, and surrender when things get dark.
So many enter into marriage as a Covenant, and then live the marriage out like a contract. We stay as long as the balance feels fair. We commit as long as it feels good. And when conflict comes, we fight—not for resolution—but to win.
Being right mattered more than being loving. And everything about that mindset goes against covenant love. In covenant living, the question is—what can I do differently—how do we heal?
Conflict resolution isn’t weakness—it’s resilience in action. It requires humility, accountability, and a willingness to forgive even when you feel justified in your ‘position’. It means staying present. One day at a time. Saying, I can be different today—with and in God’s strength. Remembering He can work all things, not some things, all things for good.
I wasn’t willing then.
And that unwillingness cost us something Sacred, our marriage and our family.
We had two incredible children together. We could have let the fire refine us—because the hotter the fire, the stronger the steel. Instead, we stepped away before transformation could take place.
And yet here we are, thank You, Father—yes, God is merciful.
By His grace, my first husband, these incredible (forgiving) children, and I have a very healthy relationship. We learned. We grew. We chose resilience—not in our own strength, however, in God’s strength.
I now see clearly what I couldn’t see then: sometimes divorce isn’t about escaping another person, it’s about trying to escape from yourself, from growth, maturity, transformation that must happen from within.
God is merciful. He is for us. He meets us where we are. He offers chance after chance…
Yes, despite myself, He gave me another chance at love. I remarried, and I choose to live out this marriage in ‘covenant love’. God granted us a beautiful child—and each day He shares opportunities to SURRENDER to Him, all that is not of light. An opportunity to learn, grow, choose, and live differently—to live humbly and not rely on my strength or someone else’s, but lean fully into His.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
on your own intelligence, do not rely;
In all your ways be mindful of him
and he will make straight your paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
SO!
Are you willing…
To choose RESILIENCE?
To stop repeating what isn’t working?
To trade contract thinking for covenant love?
To be the one who breaks unhealthy cycles by practicing what you promised within covenant love?
To practice SURRENDER?
Thank You, Father, for meeting us where we are and for the constant opportunity to begin again—to lean into Your strength and the mystery of Your love.
As I was carrying a huge weight around of guilt, confusion…, as I was living in a shame spiral—by the grace of God, I remembered to just stop and SURRENDER—give ‘it’ to Him—turn to Him —I fell to my knees one day and complete surrender—and I started my day to day—sometimes moment to moment practice of SURRENDER to Him.
Some days I was having to say, please take this from me, God— I’m giving this to You, dear God help—over and over and over again —literally 25 to 250 times a day.
Even if you have never-ever before——
PAUSE.
PRAY.
SURRENDER!
SURRENDER yourself and ‘it’ to God.
Lean into His strength, lean into the mystery of His love—over and over and over again.
STAY PRESENT!!!
REMEMBER!
You are a child of God.
You matter.
Your story matters.
God loves you.
*** These words are true—allow them to soak in EVEN IF you do not FEEL this truth in this present moment.
SURRENDERING AND PRAYER ARE PRACTICES!!!
Are you ready to share your story of RESILIENCE? You can do that HERE.