“You have the power to choose your mindset. Let yourself choose you. It’s ok to want betterIf 2020 hit you like a ton of bricks, you are in good company.“
In March of 2020 I was laid off from my job and it sent me to rock bottom overnight. I was forced to look at my finances, which I had been avoiding for months, and the diagnosis was grim. I needed to come to terms with the fact that my lifestyle had been wildly unsustainable. I would have to make drastic changes. That was the beginning of the big reckoning for me.
Why had I allowed myself to drift away from a greater power in my life? The party was over and I needed to find myself. I had lost myself somewhere along the way, probably between a few failed relationships and a collection of bad habits. All my baggage started to surface. Anxiety, fear, acting out of my lifelong abandonment wound, I had to face the fact that I was anxiously attached to an unavailable man.
My life was sifting through my fingers. This left me feeling lost and empty, with no way to connect to other fellow humans. We were all running away and hidden under our masks. The person who should have been the most intimate of all with me was busy slaying his own dragons. As I wanted to dive in deeper and understand my full potential, he retreated even further. So I would have to walk this path alone.
I walked away, and to survive the breakup, I had no choice but to put the bottle down. I couldn’t stand the booze blues. I would be stuck in them for days after a night of drinking. The ground was muck when I drank and my vision was blurred. I chose sobriety to detox from my go-to numbing agents such as alcohol and romantic pursuits.
I was determined to restore my capacity to feel safe from within and clear-minded. I was going to deal with my codependency and reacquaint myself with my inner power. So, I took my shattered heart and cozied myself at home with hot tea and blankets. I buried myself in more books, podcasts and introspection. Being quarantined forced me to reevaluate my relationship with my home. I had been treating the place like a temporary shelter. I needed to change that! I grew plants, cleaned my apartment, reorganized all my closets, put photos on the walls, cooked meals at home and burned sage.
I invested time and energy to cultivate my home as a cocoon, a place I could reinvent myself. I connected with like-minded individuals who became power partners on my journey. I can’t stress enough how connecting to these powerful friendships sustained me on my path. I asked myself:
What would my life look like if I lived to my full potential?
How long had I been operating from a place of scarcity?
What were those limiting beliefs I had?
A few months in, I am still diligently doing the work. But the confusion and despair have faded away and left room for expansion and hope. Facing some of my biggest fears head-on reminded me that I am a courageous being.
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