“Facing the death of my daughter, I had to be very kind to myself and extremely gentle. The need to people-please is no longer an option.”
When my daughter Kathryn first told me she was addicted to heroin, I was terrified, full of shame, and convinced I could ‘fix’ it. I have two daughters, both born on the same day, but the one who is ‘sick’ got all the attention. I’ve spent thousands of dollars looking for a ‘cure’ only to feel ripped off from treatment centers and so-called experts in addiction.
For ten years, Kathryn had been in and out of the prison system with a couple of years of sobriety. While incarcerated, Kathryn got to experience three years of stability and sobriety. She told me she was afraid of relapsing upon release. With no after-care when she returned home to Pemberton, that is exactly what happened.
She soon left for the city and was very resourceful in finding ways to fund her habit. I actually miss her dramatic tales of the situations she would find herself in. At the same time, I had to learn the art of detachment. I always maintained weekly communication with her, however, and loved her without judgement.
The last time I saw her, we went for dinner and she looked good. I hugged her and asked if she ever considered getting clean. She told me that she’d keep it to herself [if she did get clean] for fear of letting me down.
Then, a tragic motor vehicle accident happened on August 16th, 2020 and on August 29th, we made the decision as a family to take Kathryn off life support. I miss her contagious laugh, her loud behavior, and her authentic self, but I am grateful that we were with her when she passed. I am also grateful for friends who wrapped me up in their arms and the kindness of a complete stranger who offered me her condo when I had nowhere to stay while in the city after Kathryn’s passing. I was even grateful for Covid, as it allowed me to cocoon myself in grief. (I have a box of letters from her while she was incarcerated that I have yet to go through.)
Facing the death of my daughter, I had to be very kind to myself and extremely gentle. The need to people-please is no longer an option for me. If you have a loved one who is sick with addiction, be kind, be gentle, and set boundaries. Know that they are sick and know that they love you. I even miss the addicted version of Kathryn and would give anything to hold her in my arms again.
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