“Have trust in yourself and your future. There is hope! You are limitless.”
The day that I wanted to kill myself was a challenging day. There have been many days in my life that I wanted to do it and thought about it, heck even when I was about 5 years old I was telling my parents that I wish I was never born. But this day, in particular, was much different. I actually had a plan to go through with it.
The time of the day that it began in particular was in Spanish class. My hands started shaking a lot and my anxiety was through the roof. I couldn’t take it in the classroom anymore and I asked to sit outside. When I sat on the other side of the wall I began sobbing the hardest cries I’ve ever had in my life.
How I was feeling? I was feeling the despair of utter hopelessness. The belief that nothing will ever get any better. Now, let me say that again – that nothing will ever get any better. The feeling comes after many, many, many years of my short life trying and pushing through, only to feel pushed around again. I remember thinking to myself that I didn’t know what would be on the other side, but it wouldn’t be as painful as it is now.
That night was the lowest point in my life, for sure. The intensity of the mental warfield going on in my brain that night was immense. I had considered every reason why I should and should not kill myself a billion times over before I made the tough decision to stay alive. Imagine feeling that you have absolutely no hope in your life whatsoever and decide to stay alive. I mean, what for? I believe that God spoke to me that night. He wanted me to stay alive and gave me the will and strength to keep going. Eventually, as the sun began to come up, I fell asleep.
What I learned from this was that I am able to pick myself up from any situation life puts me in or throws at me because I’m able to pick myself up from the worst possible thing – ending my life. This taught me that I do want to live and confirmed that I have a purpose to be here. It taught me to rely on myself in life and not seek outer validation, love, or support because all I truly have is me, myself, and I.
After that event, I felt like a changed person. Changed in the way that now I am an invincible force to be reckoned with. Since then, it’s made me a stronger person in every way. When I go through a challenge, I remember that I’ve been through so much worse and have come out of it alone. I would describe it as “picking myself up face-smack from the dirt all alone”.
I wholeheartedly believe that every single person on planet earth has a purpose to be here and a gift inside of them that makes them special. Overcoming the mental battles of wanting to commit suicide and persevering on the road to self-discovery is how I practiced resilience. Five years later, I’m now a life coach helping women strengthen their self-love after trauma. I took the most challenging moments in my life and turned them into strength and I have full faith that you can as well.
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