In 2018, I was on the verge of losing it all—the weight of family struggles and my own broken identity felt unbearable until one haunting question stopped me in my tracks: Who would take care of her? This question saved my life and sparked a journey of resiliency and self-discovery.
My life felt like it was slipping through my hands. I hit a rock bottom. I was lost, disconnected from my sense of self, purpose, and the woman I once knew. The weight of my family’s struggles had become unbearable. My mother’s depression and the strain of family separation were all tearing us apart. In the process, I was being torn apart, too. I had spent so long holding everyone else together that I didn’t even realize how completely I had lost myself. I was overwhelmed by emotions I couldn’t even name.
One night, I remember walking down the stairs of my townhouse, detached from everything around me. Before this, I often thought of running away and disappearing. But that night, I had decided to end my suffering. Then, a single thought stopped me: “Who will take care of her?” My mother needed me. The thought of leaving her to fight her battle alone was unbearable. I felt trapped, and I was caught between wanting to end my pain and feeling obligated to stay for my family. I just wanted to be there for my family and protect them at any cost. If it was not me, then who else would it be? And once again, I pushed my feelings aside. It was easier to pretend everything was fine than to admit I was breaking inside.
A few months later, in November 2018, I hit a breaking point. I found myself curled up on the bathroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably as I experienced another panic attack. Moments before, I had promised a friend I would attend his birthday party because I couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing him, just as I had disappointed others whenever I missed a get-together, even if it was only once in a blue moon due to other commitments. It sounds ridiculous now, caring about keeping my word when my world was falling apart. But I didn’t realize that my belief in “strong people show up no matter what” drove me into these situations. The world around me, my core group, and even myself convinced me that taking time for myself was a weakness and selfish. And the fear of disappointing people haunted me deeply. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy, reinforcing my belief that no matter what I did, I was never good enough, that it was never good enough.
I still remember “fixing myself,” layering on extra concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes. I was determined to attend my friend’s birthday party, so I wouldn’t have to carry the shame of backing out on my promise. I pushed through and ignored the exhaustion and the overwhelming anxiety. I had to be successful at my job and be the perfect daughter, girlfriend, sister, and friend. Keep this in mind: I had to keep up with my social life, and travel, and not miss out on anything because I did not want to disappoint anyone. I have always been a very outgoing and extroverted individual who loves experiences.
I did not realize how deeply I was neglecting myself at that time. I convinced myself that the endless to-do lists, and constant need to please others were just part of the hustle. But deep down, I felt disconnected from who I truly was.
As you can see, I was losing clarity. I was moving through life as if none of this would catch up to me one day. I was living the life I had planned, yet I carried the burden of keeping everyone happy, even at the expense of my own peace and mental health.
When my boyfriend arrived to pick me up, I quickly wiped away my tears and put on a smile. The cold air hit me as I stepped outside, but inside, I was burning up from the pressure to seem “fine.” I jumped into his car, pushing aside the trauma of my breakdown, ready to be the person everyone expected me to be. Here we went again… the mask was on.
I still remember this moment like yesterday..walking into my friend’s house party. I greeted them, laughing and smiling as if nothing had happened a few moments ago. This had become my pattern: pretending, hiding, pushing the pain away. The panic attacks, the numbness, and the constant feelings of despair were becoming my new normal. But I was terrified to let anyone in. I tried to open up before, but I could not find a safe space as everyone looked at me as if I was a happy go lucky person and how I could be experiencing panic attacks.
But that night, something inside me snapped. It was not an explosion but a quiet realization: “I can’t keep living like this.” The life I was chasing, a successful career, successful relationships, reaching all the milestones at a young age, and trying to be the strong one… wasn’t worth losing myself over again. This realization was one of the most pivotal moments of my life that led me on this beautiful spiritual journey. At that moment, I realized I was so disconnected from who I truly was that I no longer recognized myself. I did not feel safe in my own body anymore.
That was the beginning of my awakening. It wasn’t a sudden transformation but a slow, painful process. I started asking the hard questions: Why was I running from my feelings? Why did I prioritize everyone else’s needs above my own? Why was I so afraid of being vulnerable? What do I want from this life? Who is taking care of me and my emotions? What is life really trying to teach me? Is there more to life? What type of friendships and relationships do I want in my life? What is my deepest desire? What is the legacy I want to leave in the world?
I have never asked myself these questions before. This was starting to feel really good because, for the first time as an adult, I felt seen by a person who had always been there for me: myself. Who better to understand me than this person I had ignored for so long?
A few days after this incident, I suddenly found myself isolating and wanting to spend more time with myself, and I loved it there. My depression and anxiety got worse before it started to feel better as so many realizations were flowing in. I felt more connected to myself and disconnected from the outside world. I lost the need to please everyone else and began focusing on pleasing myself. That year, around the holiday season, I felt called to volunteer, and ever since then, I have kept in touch and contributed back to the community in many ways. One of the best parts of being part of this beautiful community of women was that I got to travel with them to New York earlier in 2019, where we had the opportunity to speak on mental health at the headquarters of the United Nations. WOW! Amazing, isn’t it? It’s incredible what opportunities unfold when you finally take the chance to connect with your deepest desires fully.
That year, I decided I couldn’t keep living a life that wasn’t aligned with who I truly was. I started living authentically, finally began to breathe easier, and became aware of the importance of caring for my own needs before I could care for others. I began to face my pain, ask for help, and give myself permission to feel so I could heal and help heal others as well.
Fast forward to today, 6 years later, it hasn’t been easy. It’s been messy, uncomfortable, and terrifying at times. But it has been so liberating. I do not feel suffocated anymore. I don’t have to wear a mask. I don’t have to hide my flaws, worries, and suffering. I can be myself and create a safe space for myself while surrounding myself with people who are vulnerable and honest and who want to make a lasting impact in the world. Once I realized that, I began to surround myself with those who supported my growth and loved the open and vulnerable version of me. I found a community of like-minded individuals who understood the importance of doing the inner work, being vulnerable, and living authentically.
I have learned that vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness. True strength comes from being honest about what we’re going through and facing our pain, not hiding from it. And it’s about letting others in, allowing them to see us for who we really are. And allow others to take their mask off. So we can have a ripple effect on the collective.
If you find yourself in a similar spot, feeling lost and overwhelmed in a dark place, know you are not alone. Taking time for the most important person in your life is vital: YOU! Think about it. YOU are the only person who has stood by your side every second of the day through all the ups and downs. This person knows every single thing about you. So, how can you not put yourself first?
Society often teaches us that being a good person means being selfless, but I disagree. The more I invested in pleasing others, the more I suffered. I wasn’t showing up as my best, most authentic self. The more I put my needs on the side, the greater the distance I created from my true self and soul.
I built a relationship with myself that was more focused on valuing others. This is why I struggled with what people would think for many years. I did not value my time, opinions, and needs, which can be detrimental to your self-worth, confidence, and mental health. Hence why, my mental health suffered. My confidence was so low, and I barely recognized myself.
My advice for you is to become the most expansive and highest version of yourself, one who understands emotions, needs, values, and nonnegotiables. One of the best things you can do is to start saying NO to anything that does not align with your values so you can say YES to the things that do. Saying No is the most empowering act of self-care. It is a form of self-respect. Your values act as the compass of your life, and they help guide your choices and lead you to a more fulfilling path. Once you figure out your values and start aligning your actions with your values, you will feel a sense of fulfilment and connection to your life like never before and become part of something bigger than you have imagined.
Another thing I wish someone instilled in me growing up was how much your tribe affects you. It is true when they say your tribe is your vibe. I did not realize how lonely I felt at times, even when surrounded by people. I wanted to connect at a soul level, to get vulnerable, and to have an open space to share and grow openly. Research also shows that the people you surround yourself with significantly influence your emotional and mental health. So, build a community that encourages vulnerability and creates a safe space to express freely and provide support. Being part of something bigger than yourself can be incredibly empowering.
When you allow yourself to feel and heal, you transform your life and pave the way for healing within your ancestral lineage. Emotional healing can have a ripple effect and influence not just your well-being but the well-being of those who came before you and those who will come after you.
I knew then that I was changing how future generations would show up for themselves, break the cycle of suppression, and empower themselves to embrace their true selves.
Doing so will break the cultural norms that do not serve us. We are going to show others that prioritizing ourselves and our mental health does not mean we are bad and selfish. Once I realized this, I reclaimed my power and set an example for those around me. When we take the time to heal and nurture ourselves, we pave the way for others to do the same.
If you are someone who is struggling to put yourself first, just remember this: There is a person you were yesterday, five years ago, perhaps twenty years ago, and there is a person that you will be five years down the road, the future self that you have dreamed of. And then there is a person in the minds of those who love you, know you, and who you will come across. And each one of them has a unique image of you in their minds. Do not spend your whole life trying to live up to their expectations of you. The reality is that you exist in so many different images, and the only one that is truly going to matter is the image you have of yourself when you are on your deathbed.
It is time to start over, and that time is here. So, let’s begin becoming the truest and authentic version of ourselves.
I practiced resilience by confronting my pain head-on, prioritizing the inner work, and rebuilding my identity, strength, and self-worth.
My advice is to focus on small, consistent steps toward healing and trust that even in your darkest moments, you have the strength within to rebuild your life one day at a time.
Let the healing begin.
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