I was drowning in hope for a love I once knew. Understanding how trauma affects people, including myself, has made me realize that it wasn’t my duty to wear a mask for the sake of keeping anyone else comfortable. I learned that often trauma is the catalyst for change and growth. Evolving through tough seasons shows our inner resilience and our ability to shift and make space for new opportunities and love.
It is not during happy times that relationships get stronger, deeper, and more intimate. Strength is built during times of struggle, pain, challenges, and during darkness. This is where relationships tend to either thrive or crumble. One or both partners struggle to hold space for the other without trying to fix or compare situations or projects. We are afraid to let the darkness crack us open. The following story is one of many on my journey to building resilience.
In 2019, a long-term relationship I was in ended. It was both bitter and sweet. During its duration, I was on the receiving end of someone dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder. The symptoms were both highly emotional and physical (fibromyalgia). For years, this brought a dark cloud over our relationship. I was often treated as though I was less than, like background noise, and he ensured I knew it. I had tried, on many occasions, in the best way I knew how, to encourage this person to get help, try counselling, and consider a possible career change. I was accepting breadcrumbs, but I really wanted the whole baguette with butter!
At the time, I was drinking a lot more to cope, which naturally added fuel to the fire. Over time, our mistakes, resentments, and anger set the tone of our relationship. I felt alone and scared and kept the darkness primarily to myself. After the breakup, he kept me hanging on for a few more months. I had to fight for what I brought to the relationship, which added to the hurt and stress repeatedly. Six months after the breakup, I was skiing with friends and ended up enduring a tibial plateau fracture. It was one of the worst breaks to have as told by my orthopaedic surgeon. It was my lucky day looking back. I never knew physical pain like this before. I was on heavy painkillers awaiting surgery that left me with a plate, and five screws I’ll keep forever. The compound of a recent breakup and knee break brought me to a very dark place. I was severely depressed and ended up going on medication because I didn’t want to live anymore.
The greatest gift of it all was that for five months, I finally had no choice but to dive deep and do the work to heal myself. During this time, I did a lot of breath work, somatic work, and counselling. I regained the strength to open my heart again. I gained tools to better cope with life’s inevitable difficult situations and got to know myself on a deeper level. I was finally processing years of grief that had accumulated over time.
These circumstances brought so much into my life and taught me more about myself than I ever thought was possible. I also let go of a lot. I let go of ideas about what I thought my life would look like. I let go of anxiety about what people thought about me. I let go of carrying other people’s pain while trying to encourage them to heal. I let go of the emotional abuse I had endured. I slowly practiced holding boundaries. I let go of the things that broke my heart.
Letting go created so much more space. For as much sorrow I had, I am grateful now for how life has unfolded. I had time to work on my inner childhood wounds. I took up creative things I used to do as a child, like painting and writing. I didn’t beat myself up if I took a step back. I had room to feel, digest, unravel the complexities of my ego, and talk it down off its righteous ledge. I forgive myself for wrongdoings, but more importantly, I forgive others, so I don’t carry that burden anymore. I dove into the practice of holding space for others. I hold these teachings close, and now, I bring this as an asset to the medical field and those in my inner circle.
Within 6 months, I went through a bitter breakup and broke my tibial plateau while skiing.
My advice for anyone going through a difficult life event is to find the courage to move through the difficult emotions. There is no way out other than through. Let yourself go through a full cathartic release. Lean on those around you to help lift your spirits. You do not need to go through difficult times alone. Lean on connections with friends who truly support you. Find a counselor that you jive with and dive deep into introspection. Take care of yourself on a spiritual, mental, and physical level. Make a list of small, realistic goals. Focus on every aspect of yourself! Find joy even in the smallest things. I promise you won’t regret it.
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