That Day In May

Blair Kaplan Venables: 00:00:00

trigger warning, the Resilience Project provides an open space for people to share their personal experiences. Some content in this podcast may include topics that you may find difficult, the listeners discretion is advised.

Blair Kaplan Venables: 00:00:19

Hello friends, welcome to radical resilience, a weekly show where I Blair Kaplan Venables have inspirational conversations with people who have survived life's most challenging times. We all have the ability to be resilient and bounce forward from a difficult experience. And these conversations prove just that, get ready to dive into these life changing moments while strengthening your resilience muscle and getting raw and real. Low Hello, welcome back to another episode of radical resilience. It's me Blair Kaplan Venables, and I'm here today to talk about something very important, very special. Because we're coming up to that day in May, you know, that day, the day that happens on the second Sunday in May, it goes back to 1908. As a little girl, I loved making cards and presents and saving up my allowance and going to the dollar store and shopping for presents, and bread making breakfast in bed. You know, that Day, Mother's Day. You know, I think it's important to talk about it. Because you know, as you get older as a woman, Mother's Day starts to take on a few different meanings if you have certain goals in life. And this Mother's Day is my second Mother's Day without my mom. And my second Mother's Day since my miscarriage. I've already survived a very hard year of firsts. And as this day approaches, I have a mixed bag of feelings. I've been doing a lot of healing work I have been putting in the time. I've been journaling, therapy, grief counseling, and a whole bunch of other tools. And I've found my footing I feel like I am re grounded myself, you know, developing certain skills that I didn't know I needed until I lost my mother until I lost my baby. And you know, I do have a fresh loss in February, you know me and Alanna lost our dad. But that's another conversation for Father's Day. Because it's I'm in my year of firsts without him. But I think it's important to talk about this day because I was reflecting. Because sometimes I know what's coming. And I want to have a couple, you know, maybe responses ready because I have had people reach out to me not wanting to celebrate their wins their happiness, their mothers their life as a mother their life as a future mother, because they feel bad for me. I've also had people want to, you know, express empathy, but not sure how to do it. So I just want to talk about that. There is no right answer. And everything I'm sharing is my opinion. And it's firsthand experience. For some of you. It's your first year celebrating Mother's Day as a mom. And that's beautiful. Some of you you're celebrating Mother's Day, you know you've had your kids for a couple years, or maybe it's your first one and you're you're pregnant. Or maybe you're about to have another baby. It's so beautiful. And for some of you, it's your first Mother's Day without your mom. And it's hard. It's hard because months ago, we started getting emails and commercials and bombarded with Mother's Day emails, Mother's Day reminders. Heck, I'm in the marketing space. This year. Luckily, I don't have clients who really promote Mother's Day. But, you know, I know how it goes and brands start promoting Mother's Day, you know, just after Valentine's Day. And so you know, opening up your email box feels like an attack. Because you're reminded that you don't have a mother anymore. That's alive. And for some of us, Mother's Day is a day full of joy. And others it's just full of pain. So during my era first without my mom, I felt everything and most of it was extremely painful. My first wedding anniversary my first birthday my first Mother's Day my first anniversary of my mother's passing, which was right after my dad passed it was just a very difficult year.

Blair Kaplan Venables: 00:04:48

And now that I've gone through the year first I am choosing to move through the second year a bit differently. I am noticing My feelings and assessing my feelings. And coming up to Mother's Day, the feeling that comes up through my veins through my heart. And my soul for me is mostly gratitude, and love. Like who would I have been if my mom wasn't my mom. And so grateful for the time that I had with her, the lessons I learned from her and the legacy she left, I'm so grateful to be able to watch my friends become mothers and raise many versions of themselves. And some of these friends I've been friends with, since they were three or four years old. So watching them become mothers, and raise these beautiful humans that I get to the antiglare to fills me with so much love. I'm grateful for the women who have stepped up and helped to raise me and be there for me and my sister, throughout our childhood. But even now, since her mother is gone. You know, my mother in law has been phenomenal. My aunts have been amazing cousins, family, friends, all the women, my mother's friends, everyone who has stepped up and offered help and love and support. I am so grateful for all of those women in my life. And I'm grateful that I got to briefly experience pregnancy and what it was like to visualize my life as a mom. You know, I wanted children for the longest time I wanted to have to. In fact, I never thought I would be 36 years old, sober, childless and birdwatching. But here I am. And I was told after trying for years that it would probably be very hard for us to get pregnant naturally. And I was going to get some tests, and I ended up getting pregnant. But when we heard that news, I aggrieved the idea of being a mom, I grieved it, and became okay with it and started visualizing my life without kids. But then when I found out I was pregnant, which happened when we weren't trying, I got to re experience the joy. And I couldn't believe it, I was such a gift. Unfortunately, at eight weeks, I had a miscarriage. And it was so extremely painful. And I was still really confident that I wanted to be a mother, especially three months, three weeks later, we lost my father in law, and I was still confident I wanted to be a mother. And I was so happy that my body was, you know, in alignment with me. But after my mother passed away, the idea of being a mom died with her, and it never came back. And I can't tell you what the future is going to hold. But I've really embraced the life where I am today. I'm grateful for the lessons I've had, I'm grateful for the feelings I've been able to experience. And one of the biggest lessons I've also learned is that you never have more time. Time is so precious. I had 35 years with my mum, I had eight weeks with my baby, you know, I've been with my sister for her whole life, 33 years time, you just never get more of it. Like, it's really hard to make more time, sometimes removing things from your life give it to you, but you're never gonna have more time. And Mother's Day can feel extremely sad, when you no longer have a mother, it can feel extremely sad when you've tried to be a mother and it didn't happen and you tried, like, you know, to naturally have a child and you wanted it so badly that it didn't work. And it's just so heartbreaking. And I know there's other ways you can go about it, you know, and everyone's on their own journey. And I'm just sharing my personal experience. But it also can be really beautiful. And I'm not saying these experiences don't have a lot of pain. But I feel like the duality of life, you have to sometimes experience the feeling of pain and sadness in order to really appreciate that happiness. And you really don't know sometimes what you have until it's gone. So if you're listening to this, and you're in my life, and you're thinking of reaching out to me on Mother's Day, I would love to hear from you. But know that I'm okay today, on Mother's Day. And for me, instead of feeling any empathy for me,

Blair Kaplan Venables: 00:09:14

I want you to take that energy and put it into spending time with your mother or your children. Or checking in on a friend who recently lost their mother or their baby chicken on your friend's chicken on your community, check on your neighbors. You know, we're all on our own journey riding the waves of grief. If we've had loss, sometimes things are a trigger and some things are not. I know my sister and I are on a very different journey with this. You know, we had a conversation about she was trying to figure out what she was going to do for Mother's Day. And I was thinking about what am I going to do and it's Sunday I'm probably going to be with a friend. I probably wouldn't go on a hike but that's just because it's Sunday. I'll think about my mother I'll probably make a really beautiful post about her. But I really want to live in the feeling of gratitude that she was my mother and that my soul chose to be hers. My mother was amazing. I miss her, I will be a mother to many, and a mother in a different non conventional type of way, and I'm going to spend my life helping others. That's what I'm doing through the Global Resilience Project. That's what I'm doing through this podcast. That's what I'm doing through our published book, which should be out soon, we're just waiting because you know, life, life happens. And that's what we're doing through our website and our social media at anything else that we create, I really feel that I am able to turn my pain into purpose, and that helps me heal. That helps me be a strong soul. When I'm able to on days, like Mother's Day, when it's hard, or days that, you know, remind me that I no longer you know, will be a mother or that I had a miscarriage. I'm going to be here to be the cool aunt to your friends, I'm here to help you. I am here to guide you through the hard stuff in life. I also want to say you, my friends, and family and listeners who are mothers, you are so amazing, and so beautiful. And let me tell you, you're superhuman, and it's such a gift to watch you raise the future. It is so great. And so beautiful to watch, you raise little versions of yourself, you know, and if you still have your mom on this earth, spend time with her, pick up the phone and call her. Honestly, even if it's a couple minute phone call, you're never going to regret spending that extra time with your mother. Truth be told, You're just never going to have more time and you're never going to feel like it's enough time. And when I say pick up the phone and call your mom, it's whoever you may feel like I'm a mother figure to you My Baba Laya my dad's mom is still alive. And I'm going to be talking to her. My aunt I always reach out to Who are you going to reach out to that you've been thinking of instead of just thinking of them, pick up the phone, have a FaceTime, send an email. Really, it's not about how much time we have left, but it's about how we spend it. Okay. So do yourself a favor and really do me a favor me as someone whose mother is no longer walking alongside me in this path of life is reach out to your mom or your mother figure. Tell them that you love them, booked that flight home, fly them to you plan that vacation. I would, I would love to have more vacations with my mom, I would love to have more time. I would love for her to get mad at me. It's actually really nice not to get yelled at. But I would still love to, you know, have those heated conversations with her. And I'll never get to have those again. So pick up that phone make that plan. And besides being cool anti glare and amazing for Mama to my kitty cats. I'm going to continue on this path to be a lighthouse, you know at the edge of a cliff over the ocean, a lighthouse in your storm. The global Resilience Project is here to help you through those hard times. I am here to help you through those hard times. Know that you are not alone. You can do this. When shit get hards you know maybe listen to this podcast, read some stories reach out to a therapist. Life isn't easy. It's a journey. But you're gonna get through the hard times you're gonna find the lighthouse and maybe it's this project. You are resilient. You got this thank you for tuning in. And Happy Mother's Day to everyone out there who celebrates