I became a single mom of 2 children very suddenly in a new city and state without a job or any friends or family around when my husband left for another woman.
The very worst day of my life started when I woke up suddenly at 3 a.m. No sound occurred, nothing woke me up that I can remember. I looked over to the side of the bed where my husband should have been, and it was empty. My stomach dropped. We had been having problems for a few months; the night before, he had been out at an unexplained location until 5:30 a.m. I climbed out of my warm bed and quietly walked out to the family room.
My husband sat on the couch next to the Christmas tree, staring at his hands.
I asked if everything was okay.
He shook his head. He turned and looked at me and said, “I have something I have to tell you. And I don’t know how to say it.”
Time stood still. Butterflies started in the pit of my stomach as I stared at him, silhouetted in the soft, warm glow of the Christmas lights.
I waited.
“I have been having an affair with our friend, and I think I may be in love with her,” he said.
As he spoke those words, it felt like all of the air got sucked out of the room.
I closed my eyes and focused on taking slow, deep breaths. I didn’t cry; I didn’t yell. I took another breath and said, “Well, that’s unfortunate. Because you are married to me. And I didn’t get the memo that we were seeing other people.”
The friend was our neighbor. We had held playdates with our children, and we had invited her family over for dinner. In fact, just the week before I found out about them, she had organized meals from our neighbors to help us out because I was recovering from knee surgery.
The devastation I felt that night caused me physical pain. I literally felt as though my heart was breaking. My chest hurt. My lungs couldn’t fill all the way up with air. I wanted to fight for my marriage. I wanted to keep my family together for my kids. We had moved to Oklahoma the previous year so that we could raise the kids near his family and so that I could be a stay at home mom. I felt panicked at the idea of going through this in a state where I didn’t have my best friends or family. I was without a support system, without a job or a way to provide for my children.
I had seen broken pieces heal time and time again, and I wanted that. Especially for my 6-year-old daughter and my 2-year-old son, sleeping peacefully in their rooms just down the hall, unaware that their life was changing as they slept. I knew we could recover, but it would be an uphill battle. I had seen my parents walk through infidelity in their marriage when I was a child, and they stayed married up until my mom’s last breath in 2021. I wanted our marriage to come out stronger on the other end. But I knew I couldn’t do it alone.
I also felt peace and freedom. I felt validated that all my suspicions, the moments when I questioned him and was told I was crazy, and the sinking feeling in my gut that had been hitting me almost daily were all for a reason. I have never in my whole life felt worse about being right. A little flicker of confidence started in me as I heard how spot on my intuition had been. It made me realize how little I trusted myself and how disconnected I was from my intuition. I didn’t know how everything would go as I sat there listening to my husband tell me about his affair. But I did have an inexplicable sense that no matter what happened, I would be okay.
One month after that night on the couch, my husband told me he didn’t want to work on things anymore. He just wanted to be free to marry her. I knew that I couldn’t salvage our relationship by myself, so I shifted my focus to figuring out what our future looked like without him.
I was determined to keep things as normal as possible for our kids. I wanted to be with them before and after school and stay in the house we built where we planned to raise them. I knew that whatever I did, flexibility would be important for me as a single mom, so I started looking at entrepreneurial options.
At the time, I worked at various Gymboree Play & Music locations. I primarily taught to be able to take my kids to class, but I loved getting paid to play, sing, dance, and blow bubbles! Fortunately for me, the OKC owner was looking for a buyer, so over the next year, I worked on purchasing the franchise from her. It took a lot of time, coordination, and work, but 13 months to the day my husband told me he didn’t want to work on our marriage, I signed the papers and became the official owner.
I would love to tell you everything was perfect after that, but that’s not the reality. Learning to co-parent was tremendously difficult. I battled with significant depression, and I grieved the loss of the life I thought I was getting for years. The divorce illuminated a lot of areas in myself that needed to heal, which was uncomfortable but needed.
I had no idea who I was without my wife and mom role. I was completely lost, but I refused just to stay miserable and bitter forever, so I decided to figure out who I was without my labels. I started by making a list of what I like to do for fun, which was much harder than it sounds. I ended up going back to childhood and writing out what I liked to do for fun, and then I tried those things out one by one to see what still fit. I rediscovered a love of reading. I started learning about gardening. I painted, rode bikes, bought rollerblades, started inviting people to come over for dinner, and built a wonderful community.
More importantly, I looked at the parts of me I wanted to pretend weren’t there, like my ability to make cutting and snide comments or irrational anger when I perceived judgment or rejection. I went to therapy. I learned how to sit through my feelings, love myself, and accept myself for who I am, not based on anyone else’s opinions but on my own intrinsic worth. I rebuilt my trust in myself and my decisions. I ditched perfectionism and people pleasing. I forgave my ex and his wife. I discovered soul-deep joy, and I still choose it daily. The secret to resiliency is your attitude. You can’t choose what happens to you in this life, but you can choose how you respond. If you look for hope, for healing, for joy, you will find it. And it will be beautiful.
I practiced resilience by buying and running a business to provide for my children. I worked on healing myself and rebuilding the trust I had lost in my own instincts. I forgave my ex and his new wife. I chose to pursue hope and joy, and I still actively seek joy in all areas, no matter what happens in my life!
The secret to resiliency is your attitude. You can’t choose what happens to you in this life; you can choose how you respond. If you look for hope, for peace, for joy, you will find it.
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