After over 30 years with my partner, I received a random text from a stranger that changed the course of my life.
‘Hi,
I know you don’t know me very well
I was wondering if we could have a chat?
Regarding? ( I don’t want to engage….It’s obvious this is spam)
Your husband and my wife had an affair about ten years ago. My therapist said I should tell you.’
I almost laughed out loud. On a beautiful summer afternoon, I was sitting on our back deck with two of our three kids. Moments later, my husband called to see how the day was going. I filled him in on our afternoon and told him about my ridiculous encounter over Messenger, which I sent him a screenshot of. The phone went silent, and within minutes, he was home, and I received a full confession.
I stood in front of him, numb and unable to speak. I knew we had been through some things in our marriage over the years, but infidelity was not something I thought would ever be a page in our story. How could he do this? We raised our family and were headed to the next phase. I felt like I had been sucker punched. I never saw it coming.
I knew a couple of things right away. The first thing I knew was that we were telling the kids. I
couldn’t pretend everything was ok and they were all smart enough to figure out something wasn’t right. We sat with the kids in the living room that evening, and my husband told them everything. He told them he had made a mistake and held it for a decade, not realizing what this information did to him and our relationship.
Suddenly, some things started to make sense. We had been struggling as a
couple for a few years. I felt like our relationship had me as the caregiver, and I felt lonely and
resentful. We had stopped doing a lot of the things we loved because he had so much anxiety that even an evening out with our friends often had him making an early exit. He was spiraling deeper into a space I didn’t understand. He could communicate what he knew he needed to do to feel better, but carrying out these tasks seemed impossible for some reason.
Navigating the world again was isolating and scary. I allowed myself the time to feel deeply what had happened, and as the shock wore off, some things became very clear to me. I was grieving, and my world felt very dark, but I knew I had the tools to come out of it. Anger wouldn’t serve me here, so I offered zero space. I was hurt and confused, but I didn’t hate him.
I was grateful to recall the many times over the years when I didn’t feel resentful or
lonely. At the forefront of my mind was watching him with our kids. He is an amazing, hands-on father, and we have raised three wonderful humans together.I am very aware and grateful for his role in that. I am fiercely protective of our family, and there was no way I would let go without trying.
We quietly found an apartment for him to rent. We respectfully and mindfully decided to let each other go. We decided that the growth that needed to happen would only be successful if we concentrated on ourselves. We wanted to rediscover who we were so that we would be happy no matter what our relationship looked like going forward.
One of the most challenging things for me was relenting control. I am the micro manager of this family, and although it is sometimes necessary to get things done, it isn’t always the most endearing quality in a partner. I not only needed to trust he would do the work, but I also needed to know he would be ok mentally. He found a therapist, came up with a plan, and I was on a need to know basis. I didn’t realize then that this step was essential to his growth and mine.
The next several months were so foreign to me. I was participating in the breakdown of our
marriage. I didn’t want to be codependent or complacent in my own life. I realized that the
resentment I was holding wasn’t about what I was doing for him, but what I wasn’t doing for me. I wasn’t loving myself enough to say how I felt or what I wanted. I hadn’t been alone since I was 15, and in the months that followed our separation, I found pieces of myself I thought were gone forever. I pushed relationships that didn’t serve me out and embraced the ones that helped me grow. I found myself drawn into a community of beautiful, strong, and intelligent women who offered me so much strength. I felt safe in these relationships, and sharing their vulnerability was the most healing and powerful embrace I had ever known.
We are learning to participate in our marriage again. The next phase is both exciting and
terrifying for us as we continue to navigate a new relationship with ourselves and each
other. I had let myself become half of a whole, and I now realize that that isn’t enough for
anyone. Forgiving myself has created space for many things. My hope is that the space will be filled with grace and love as we navigate the future together. I have hope, and for now, that’s enough.
As I navigated the journey to forgive my husband for infidelity, I was alone for the first time. I had to let go of what I thought was the ideal relationship and start to navigate my new reality. I was faced with a task I could never have imagined, and I chose to rise and do the work to build back a better version of our partnership.
We are all actively participating in the build up or breakdown of every relationship we have. It is a choice to forgive and do the work to move forward. Forgiveness comes from within. Forgiving yourself frees up the space you need to let the next phase of your story begin.
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