This is Nathanya’s Story and she is RESILIENT.
CONTENT WARNING: The I Am Resilient Project provides an open space for people to share their personal experiences. Some content in this post and on this website will include topics that you may find difficult
Describe the situation where you had to be resilient:
I am a child of the foster care system. I’ve overcome child abuse, child neglect, child molestation and child rape. I was bounced from home to home from ages 8 to 18, until I aged out of foster care. I have survived on my own since then.
Nathanya’s Story:
The first time I experienced abuse was when I was 5 years old. I was raped by a cousin and I was traumatized. When I did speak about it I got in trouble. I then went to live with my father where I experienced many different forms of child abuse: physically beaten, starved and neglected.
I was 7 years old when I first lost my virginity to a cousin and then continuously molested and raped by uncles, cousins and a grandfather. I started self-harming and smoked weed for the first time. I suffered that pain until I got the courage to talk to my teacher.
I was removed from the home and placed in a group home where I was then groomed by an older boy who was 17. He would have sex with me on a nightly basis, I was 9. That didn’t stop until I ran away and was placed in my first psychiatric hospital where I was then placed in a long term foster home. I was able to attend therapy where I was able to talk about everything. I remember having long conversations with my social worker about the things that happen to me. One thing that stood out to her was that I remembered times and dates like it was yesterday.
I was then removed from that home when I told her that my foster dad and brother were having sex with me and that’s when I was placed in a home off the reservation. This was my first real, stable home. I had a lot of issues that I had to work through plus a couple of stints in the psych ward but overall it was a good home.
They eventually wanted to adopt me but I was sure my biological mom would get upset so I started to act out, waiting for her to come and take me away.
I ended up being placed in a long term psychiatric hospital until they found me my next home and when they weren’t able to do that, I was placed in two respite homes and these homes were wonderful.
I would get easily attached to them and wanted them to keep me but they were only respite homes, meaning short term foster homes. From there I ended up going to live with a beautiful family. They were a big family and I remember always being scared and wondering who was going to abuse me. When were they going to throw me away? So, I’d act out. I’d self harm. I’d over sexualized myself.
It wasn’t until they couldn’t handle me anymore that they decided to place me in a long term mental health facility across the country. That didn’t stop me from continuing to self-destruct before I left. I would sneek out, smoke cigarettes and constantly lied.
When they flew me out all I remember was being so amazed because I had never been on a plane before. I thought that was only in the movies. But there I was, flying away to the next facility that was meant to fix me.
At that point (age 14) I was sure I was way too damaged today fix. I had no faith in anyone. What’s the point if everyone’s gonna keep throwing me away? I can’t be loved.
I ended up spending 18 months at that facility. I learned so much and met so many different people and so many kids with similar issues. I started to have faith. However, I still had the issue of being a follower and doing anything I could to get anyone to like me.
How did you practice resilience when faced with this challenge?
I kept faith that one day I’d find someone that would love me regardless of how broken I was. I was too scared to die but too weak to live but I knew one day I’d be an adult and I’d help others. I want to make others better and I want to protect kids.
Please share one piece of advice for people who are going through a similar challenge
Even on your darkest day, you’ve got to know that one day, whether it’s 1 year or 10 years from that moment, you’re going look back and be thankful you held on.
???? St. George, Utah, USA
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