This is Luce Campagna and she is resilient.
CONTENT WARNING: The I Am Resilient Project provides an open space for people to share their personal experiences. Some content in this post and on this website will include topics that you may find difficult.
The Year of the Reckoning: Confessions of a Spiritual Warrior
If 2020 has hit you like a ton of bricks, you are in good company.
We are only starting to recognize how the havoc of this pandemic has affected us, and what kind of emotional and psychological effects it is having on us all, whether temporary or permanent.
Most people tell me the abrupt change in circumstances in their life has produced this ongoing sense of unease and general malaise.
I feel that.
From one week to the other, not knowing if we’d have a job or if full lockdown was going to hit us, my friends and I dove into self-soothing mode. We were drinking away our doubts and fears and jumping with both feet in deflection, all in the name of steam releasing and fun.
Soon enough, inebriety became a daily date. Little did I know I was about to crash and burn.
Then March arrived. Being laid off from my job sent me to rock bottom overnight. I was forced to look at my finances, which I had been avoiding for months. The diagnosis was grim. I needed to come to terms with the fact that my lifestyle had been wildly unsustainable. I would have to make drastic changes. I was also feeling stuck in my career and like I had no grips on my life and my destiny.
That was the beginning of the big reckoning for me.
Why had I allowed myself to drift away from a greater power over my life?
The party was over and I needed to find myself. I had lost myself somewhere along the way, probably between a few failed relationships and a collection of bad habits.
All my baggage started to surface. Anxiety, fear, acting out of my lifelong abandonment wound, I had to face the fact that I was anxiously attached to an unavailable man.
My life was sifting away through my fingers. This left me feeling lost and empty, with no way to connect to other fellow humans. We were all running away and hidden under our masks. The person who should have been the most intimate of all with me was busy slaying his own dragons. As I wanted to dive in deeper and understand my full potential, he retreated even further. I would have to walk this path alone.
So I did. I walked away. And to survive the breakup, I had no choice but to put the bottle down. I couldn’t stand the booze blues. I would be stuck in them for days after a night of drinking. Alcohol was having me spiral deeper than I needed to. The ground was muck when I drank and my vision was blurred.
I chose sobriety to detox from my go-to numbing agents such as alcohol and romantic pursuits.
I was determined to restore my capacity to feel safe from within and clear-minded. I was going to deal with my codependency and reacquaint myself with my inner power.
So, I took my shattered heart and cozied myself at home with hot tea and blankets. I buried myself in more books, podcasts and introspection. Being quarantined forced me to reevaluate my relationship with my home. I had been treating the place like a temporary shelter. So, I decided to change that!
I grew plants, cleaned my apartment, reorganized all my closets, put photos on the walls, cooked meals at home and burned sage.
I invested time and energy to cultivate my home as a cocoon, a place I could reinvent myself. I followed the teachings of my masters and connected with likeminded individuals who became power partners on my journey. I can’t stress enough how connecting to these powerful friendships sustained me on my path. Together, we took the deep dive. And I can assure you it is not for the faint of heart!
What would my life look like if I lived to my full potential?
How long had I been operating from a place a scarcity?
What were those limiting beliefs I had?
What was that glass ceiling about?
Having done therapy for years and owning a library full of psychology books, I had the knowledge of it all, but I had to tune in on a deeper level and connect the dots for myself.
While it is true that “knowledge is power,” it is the actions inspired by the knowledge that holds the real power to begin the transformation.
2020 was the year my old self came to die. Now, like the phoenix rising from the ashes, I am being born again.
A few months in, I am still diligently doing the work. But the confusion and despair have faded away and left room for expansion and hope. Facing some of my biggest fears head-on reminded me that I am a courageous being. As a result, I did a big financial reset and completely reinvented how I manage my money. I also took an honest look at my career and my deeper yearning and explored how the two were connected. And guess what? I am going back to school! I found ways to connect my career path to a greater purpose and I feel inspired to be of benefit on a larger scale than ever.
I live a life of intentionality, sourcing my wholeness from within and acting from a conscious place. I am deliberate, aligned, grounded and calm. I am at peace.
Have I found love again? You bet! I found me! I am the one I was looking for all that time.
As for love with a man, I will allow it in when it can be an intentional and reciprocal co-creative journey. I won’t settle for less. Because for now, I am all that I need.
So yes, I can say 2020 kicked my ass. It shook me to the core. The pain of the burn is fresh in my memory and my skin is still tender. But I am grateful for it all! I will never be the same. And no, I did not learn a new language or finish my book, but I turned this major capsizing storm into an opportunity of a lifetime to reclaim my life. I will be forever grateful to myself to have mustered the courage to embrace the reckoning. What a gift 2020 was.
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???? North Vancouver, BC, Canada
